What do you find in your story? They say never look back but I beg to differ. How would I know how far I’ve come if I never looked back. I have been through what I consider some tough shit that I wouldn’t care to repeat. I’ve been lost, heartbroken, broke, empty many times. I have no regrets. Not one.
I’m trying to remember that these days. The reminder that I have made it through what have felt like rock bottoms. I don’t look back on anything with regret. Maybe remorse, maybe embarrassment but no regrets.
The difference today is that I am feeling things for exactly what they are. Raw, tasteful, sexy, invasive, overwhelming, frightening, and most of all completely real. I can tell you this, life seems to get only more colorful. What I mean by that is I can feel things more and more. It used to feel like when something happened and I didn’t like it I would find a way to mute it. Turn the volume down. Blur my vision. What happens when I do that is I create an illusionary experience. Almost a hallucination.
I ran away from situations many times. I did things on my time when I wanted to. I left people hanging and let me tell you my experience with that…. Sometimes when you leave people hanging long enough there’s no coming back from that. I have lost friends and parts of my father too. I haven’t shown up for my sisters either but luckily I get one re-do on that one because they were too young to remember my absence. In order to not feel regret you know what I do? I try harder and I face my fuck ups. They aren’t mistakes or wasted time, they are fuck-ups and we all fuck the FUCK up okay?
Today I show up. If I’m not going to show up I let you know ahead of time and I have a damn good reason for it. I show up on time, hell sometimes I show up early. If I’m not I work diligently to show up early the next time. The biggest thing is show the fuck up. Even if I don’t finish my homework I show up. Even if I am ill prepared I SHOW UP. That is the most important thing. To me, if you don’t show up you didn’t even try and you might as well discount everything else. I could work on my tolerance for others, as it’s very low for those who don’t show up.
I try to remember what I used to be like. Afraid. Afraid of conflict, afraid of being wrong, afraid of being yelled at. I also was a flake and a liar. Here’s the thing. Whether people don’t show up or do a lot of times it gives you this perspective of their commitment to themselves and their own life.
Updates about the meds: It’s day 3 and I’m still not feeling anything which is expected. I wish they would hurry up and even things out soon but it probably won’t be until late March until I feel a thing. Could be even longer. Let’s just hope they work. Fingers crossed.