One of the hardest things is how I affect others. People don’t understand why I try to ignore them. I feel like I’m saving people the toxicity that’s resting inside of my chest. I feels easier to be alone but I know it does me a disservice to isolate. It’s fucking hard to be around people who are depressed. Even if you have experienced depression yourself. What do you even say to a person? It’s like having a broken heart. There’s nothing to say. No quick fix. The only true healer is time.
My poor mother. I want to protect her. She keeps asking me how I’m doing. Lying to her feels like the right thing to do. In fact, a heard a speaker say once, a way you can make an amends to your parents is to stop worrying them. I finally told her in attempt to stop having her ask me how I am….. “Ma, right now I’m just bad. Things will get better but right now it’s really hard.” I don’t want her to worry about me. Ultimately that worrying will bring her poor health. There’s nothing any human can do to change this.
I’m frustrated with my father. It’s hard for me to accept him as he is. Into the 5 minute conversation he asks: “Is there anything else I can answer for you? Do you need anything else?” Yes. God yes. Can you just talk to me and not act like it’s so awful? Can you be still for one fucking moment with me? Can you say it’s going to be okay? That I’m strong. That you’ve felt like this before and you made it through. I wish he would talk to me for more than 10 minutes. He’s always the one the end the conversation.
I didn’t go to class at all today. Indicating that things are getting worse. I’m getting worse. Today felt worse. It felt like I’m never going to catch up to my full potential.
Maybe I just needed a break. That’s what everyone around me keeps saying at least. “Be gentle on yourself.” I don’t want to be! I want to be strong. I want to be involved. I want to be a part of this world. (Que in little mermaid background music) It’s such a paradox of wanting to be more than I am and yet feeling so low and incapable of doing that.
My therapist said I have to be more gentle on myself. The world is overwhelming me right now and I’m a sensitive person. I took that as I’m weak. I’m fucking weak.
What’s the fucking point of being sensitive or being empathetic? How do I apply that as a skill?
I need to read some more Thich Nat Hanh shit man.
Got to keep things simple. God this part of me just wants to become a monk. Live in peace without any of the material things. Just pray, meditate, practice gratitude and help others. Christ, who am I kidding. I’m so far away from that place. I love cities, I love urban living, I love culture and mixed demographics and fried food. Why can’t it all just be so simple…..
Got to get back to my roots. At the core I believe that’s exactly what this is. I’m getting down to my roots and cutting the cords I should have cut a long time ago. Cut the cords to my dad, to my inadequacy, to the part of me that always compares and feels like I’m behind, and to fear.
I hope to look back in these posts a couple months from now with a new perspective. I hope I get to see how far I’ve come.
Day 4 meds. Don’t feel anything.