Jealousy

       jealous: Adjective
1. feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages.
2. feeling or showing suspicion of someone’s unfaithfulness in a relationship.
       possessive: Adjective
1. demanding someone’s total attention and love.
It’s an ugly feeling. Unbalanced and out of line with love. Jealousy and possession do not love. They question love.
Jealousy says: “There’s something wrong with you.You are not enough. She/he has more than you. She/he is better than you. You are too much. You are not enough. You are inadequate.”
Possession says: “Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Fucking mine!”
My jealousy mirrors my alcoholism in certain ways. I am unwilling to give it up because I am unsure of what is on the other side. If I am not jealous then what will happen to me? Will I get walked over? Will my needs not get met? Will my friends leave me? My partner leave me? Will I not be as successful if I’m not always striving for what someone else has? It fuels itself. I get to be jealous, which isolates me, which allows to avoid vulnerability.
After starting to do my step work and looked at my character defects it came to my attention that jealousy is a characteristic I no longer want to have. Now that I had an awareness aroundI had to look at it. When I prayed to have it removed two words popped into my head: Love and Logic.
heart
Shortly after that I began to recognize when jealousy come up in my life and in what areas. The first obvious one is in relationships. Friendships, family and intimate relationships. Then I began to realize it cropped up in my creative outlets. I was jealous of anyone who did the same kind of art as me. Pretty soon I realized I was generally jealous of anyone who had something I had. People with well behaved dogs, a nice house, my mom because she has a stable job, folks who travel the country…. etc.
It wasn’t until I got sober that my perspective on jealousy changed. For the first time my jealousy wasn’t everyone else’s problem. It stems from me and I’m not only one who can nurture it or kiss it goodbye from my life. I recognized that I not only am jealous but I am tired of feeling jealous. I want to be free. I was born free, I am always free, I just forget sometimes.
As I’ve started to do my art again I’ve begun to reclaim my creative space in the world. It’s been a slow process. Once I got sober I stopped doing art. I stopped hoop dancing, I stopped writing (I wasn’t writing much when I was smoking weed/drinking/taking drugs), and I stopped doing any kind of craft with my hands. Now that I am doing art daily I am not jealous. I believe it’s because I feel like the art I do is mine and I have something that’s in the world that I can 100% identify with. Something that is a reflection of me. Creating art has been nothing but healing for me. After giving myself permission to do art as much as possible I have felt more free each day.
So when it comes to relationships, friendships and family how do I nurture them with love and not with jealousy or possession? Well simply act out of love. Should be easy enough right? Well not exactly. Not for me, someone who can remember being jealous as far back as 2nd grade.
The advice I have gotten from friends has greatly benefited me. I hope it will for you too.

vulnerability.gif
1. One piece advice that was given to me today was, “Sometimes you have to do nothing when you feel jealous. Just simply don’t act on it. When you feel the need to react don’t.”What?! Do nothing? Seriously? Like can’t I do something to get rid of these feelings!!! Sitting in my feelings is NOT my cup of tea, however, sitting through them I have realized is acknowledging that they exist. If I runaway from my feelings then I don’t move through them, therefore they sit there inside of my body and corrode like a poison until I cannot house them anymore. And that my friends is when bad things happen for me. In a nutshell, be vulnerable, feel your feelings, and don’t react.

2. Another piece of advice was “Treat everyone the same.” This concept sort of blew my mind because I have always been the type of person who believes that a intimate partner equates to higher expectations. The standard I held my partner to was much higher than any of my friends. Now I find myself checking in with my emotional responses towards my boyfriend and asking “Would you react this way towards (insert friends name here) if they didn’t want to hang out? Would you be this upset if you weren’t get as much attention? Would you feel as insecure if this was your friend? Usually the answer is no.

3. Third insight was “Have you ever had multiple crushes on people at the same time?” Who me? Neevveerrrrr. Yes of course I have! It doesn’t make you a bad person. Nor does it make any of those people as individuals any less important in their specific persons. If my partner or my friend is appreciated by other people besides me doesn’t that mean that they just get to be extra loved and in different ways. Ways that perhaps I am not capable of appreciating them? I believe so. It’s hard to accept and not take personal when I am the one whose partner or friend is getting loving attention from someone besides me. I tend to feel excluded or feel like this is a reflection of something I’m doing wrong. First of all, it’s likely that it has nothing to do with me. Second off, if it does have to do with me then I can either work on it or not.
4. One discovery I have made on my own is stating that I am feeling jealous. I am not into being in denial. I did that for so long and denying it’s existence never made it go away. Now I’ll state I’m feeling jealous and I’ll take accountability for my feelings. I’ll ask myself where it’s coming from and begin to work on nurturing myself. This has been freeing!!! After I say it out loud it seems to dissipate. I love it.
Ultimately I am grateful to my friends and my partner to practice a loving exchange. I have honest friendships today. I have friends who really love me and are great at including me. When I reach out they reach back. And when they don’t I don’t take it as personal anymore. If I do take it personal, I ask them about it. I feel safe in my intimate relationship to state my fears and work on them. I feel like I am not punished for the parts of myself that I am still working through. I am a lucky gal.
New moon in cancer folks! This is the time to welcome in what we want to bring into our lives. This new moon I will be focusing on love, creation and logic. I hope you all feel some
moon
Advertisements

Author:

I am a 26 year old Japanese American queer cis female who is from the bay area and currently lives in Portland, Oregon with her pitbull named Yuki. She is my pride and joy. I have been sober since 2014 and started to work in the sex industry in December 2016. We moved to Portland about 4 years ago in 2013 and have been learning how to thrive in this grey, wet, yet charming environment of Portland. Three things attracted me to this magic nook on the west coast. Tree tunnels (as I like to call them) that tower over roads swallowing you into a tube of nature, people’s tendency to look you in the eye and ask how you’re doing (with expectation of a genuine answer), and tea houses/coffee shops are a past time here. They say this is the city where 20 year olds come to retire or the city of refugee weirdos who just didn’t quite fit in. My diagnosis of Portland is the city that embraces those who love to isolate and be awkward so if hiding out in your room to geek out on your blog or simply drink tea in your room all day is your thing I suggest you check out what the fuss is about in Portlandia. Although Portland is whimsical in it’s own right it has a major amends to make to it’s citizens of color. It’s been here that I’ve learned the most about activism and politics unfortunately as a result of the city’s non acknowledgement of all of their citizens. The citizens here although progressive in it’s own way participates in it’s own subtle yet powerful microaggressions daily. The city is vanilla to put it lightly. When I am not day dreaming of sunnier days you can find me in a tea shop rambling in my journal about the romantic fantasy of hopping a train or living out of a van, admiring baby doll heads and crooked picture frames, watering my indoor plants desperately trying to learn how to have a green thumb, geeking out on astrology charts, obsessing over Michael Jackson and screaming all his songs, flooding my earphones with Princess Nokia to CocoRosie to Mac Dre to name my top favorites, going to strip clubs, crying, praying, attending pole dancing class and learning a variety of ways to make my beautiful backside bounce, holding hands, blowing bubbles, dismantling the patriarchy, writing a story, a poem or working on a zine. My blog has no rhyme or reason but you may find some of those influences as themes in within my posts. What I do hope to do with my blog is expose myself vulnerably if nothing else as an act of leaving behind a documented record of my human-ness but the truest hope, dream in fact, is to help someone out there to feel less alone. I hope that through my ability to candidly share my rawest sense of self I can help build an online community of witches, activists, freedom fighters, freaks, mermaids, pretty boys, studly girls, theys, and thems.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s